My Little Panda

Lately, I start thinking about revealing myself to you. I’ve always thought that it would be a bad idea. But, you appear to have a hard time to enjoy your days, sometimes. So I thought, if I let you know then.. Well.. I just want you to never forget that you’ll always be loved. That as long as I’m alive, you’ll never be alone. Maybe it can help you feel a bit better when you’re down.

However, I still think that it’s a gonna be a bad idea. I started this because I had a very bad insomnia I had never gone through all my life before. So I decided to put all that troubling my mind in writing to help me accept reality and let go what could never be mine. The way I pictured it in my mind was that you’d live happily ever after with that whoever and I’d learn how to move on.

Actually, it should go pretty well. There’s only one problem. Your storyline doesn’t seem to go as scenario. And of course, it affected my part of the story too. I really have no idea about what’s going on with you there. I should have asked. But, who am I to ask about your love life? So as usual, I could only collect every piece of information I could find and try to connect every dots. There’s no doubt that I’m just as clueless as ever.  But the way I see it, it still far from the happily ever after I wish it to be.

However, revealing myself to you now. The more I think about it, the more it becomes the worst idea ever. Because.. First, I’m having a hard time to keep writing. Even expressing how I feel is already hard. Thinking that someone will read it all, knowing that I’m the one who’s writing. Whooaahh.. It would feel like I have to walk bare-naked in the crowd. I’d rather have someone telling me to enlist to military service.

Second, the goal is so that you’ll never feel lonely again, if ever. But I don’t think it would make any difference. Third, things would be awkward between us. I don’t even know why I say this. Maybe I’m just too shy. Well, knowing me very well, it won’t stop me from doing all the silly things. But I’ll wait until I can ensure that you’ll be living your life happily ever after. I think it’s some kind of my habit to think that fairytale could be real. But if it couldn’t, then someone like you wouldn’t exist. Aren’t you a character from a fairytale? The one that has the marvelous character and exquisite love story.

Honestly, the real reason is, because I think I didn’t I loved alone. Yeah, I know, I know this might sound unreal. But due to what had happened, I still think that way. Though it may have changed since early this year, I need to ensure that you are in a happy relationship. So it will be safe to presume that you’ve let go all your feelings in the past, if any, of course.  About you felt something towards me, that’s not assumption, that’s how I feel. And though there’s a good chance that my heart tricked me, I’d rather take the safe side for this. You’re so sentimental. It makes you so lovable, but it worries me all the time.

In short, revealing my identity now wouldn’t be a good idea. I will wait until I can ensure that you truly happy with your relationship or.. till I can reach your star. It won’t matter if I hurt. I will handle it in the end. But you, you have to be happy.

So, the solution is.. I can’t let you know, yeah, I can’t. But, who says that I can’t contact you by becoming little panda? Maybe you wouldn’t response. But I’ll keep trying. I may bother you all the time. Just bear with me, I’m not sane enough. And I think, it won’t be bad to let you know about this. Then you’ll know that I’m just as crazy as you when it comes to love. So you can have some consideration about me trying to ensure you’re doing well. You have to. I’m your fellow in this unbelievable world called love. So, the solution has been cleared, the decision has been made. And the gavel will do its job. Knock.. knock..