My Little Panda

No, this isn’t a duplicate post. This is something else. I’ve been feeling so miserable for the past few days. Sigh.. What’s with that girl.. She’s really good at making someone’s world upside down.

But I think that’s not where the problem lies. Yeah, she was never the problem. She’s just so amazing the way she is. You know, she’s the type of girl who even after she broke your heart over and over again, you can never hate her. Unbelivable, isn’t it? Told you, she’s too amazing for the earth.

Well.. The problem is.. Of course, the one who’s writing right now. I think I can get an award for troublemaker of the century. What the prize could be? I’ll tell you a secret. Right now I will trade anything for an apolygy. So just give me genie in the bottle. The most powerful one, of course.

Honestly, I still don’t understand. What have I done so wrong? What have I said so wrong? I reread my message over and over again. I still failed to spot the huge mistake that makes her don’t want to say a thing to me anymore.

Did I talk too much? Well.. That surely the source of the problem. If I just kept quite maybe it wouldn’t be this bad. But I must have said something that she really hate. What could it be? No, I’m not here to complain. I do have a plan. Like I said, I have decided.

I feel so bad because I think I made a very huge mistake. She’s so good at making me feel good. Now suddenly she’s so good at making me feel bad. Yet, I can never hate her. Amazing isn’t she? How can I not love her. Yeah, this is contradictory with the previous “I Have Decided” post, I know. Don’t worry, we’ll get into that soon. You know, sometimes a decision needs a revision to make it better.

All this time, I thought the best protection I can give for her is to let her find someone who can always protect her. Soulmate, true love, whatever it may called. Yeah, I’m one of those fool. Loving silently, watching from a distance. When she finally found someone, I smile painfully. Thinking that I’ve done great by letting her find her special one.

I contacted her because I thought it won’t matter anyway. Now that she’s with someone, whoever I am wouldn’t matter. But I still couldn’t help myself from sending her something. Though I can’t see her smile now, I know she’d be happy. And that’s enough for me.

So I contacted her and talk to her in the way I want to talk to her. Now that she’s with someone, I don’t have to hold back anymore. There’s no way she would fall for me. Yeah, yeah.. stop laughing. I know it sounds funny. Overly confident. I never said it before, but actually I think she likes me. Well.. liked. It’s all in the past.

So, can you spot the problem now? About me who liked to run away. I though that was the best protection I can give for her. To make myself not an option for her. Because I think I’m not good enough.

I thought it was a form of protection. But now I realize that I was just running away. Did I try to protect her or did I try to protect me? Seriously.. Protection? What kind of protection did I talk about? I’m not even there for her. Because I thought it won’t matter anyway.

However, even if I think I’m not good enough, that’s not for me to decide. It’s for her to decide. How dare I try to make her decision for her? Okay then, I’ll make myself available for her to reject. How can I do this? She doesn’t even want to talk to me now. Okay, we need to solve this first. Whoaahh.. This girl is driving me crazy. See.. How can I not love her?

So.. How am I gonna do this? I don’t know. Honestly, I really have no idea  now. But I’ll find a way. In the end I always find a way. Btw, this is why I said, she never made my scenario go as plan. It’s not that I will never tell her who I am. One day, I will definitely do it, under one of the two conditions. Now, I have to do it under the third condition. And it seems like I don’t really have much time to prepare.

I must have made an excuse before. Saying that even a fighter would retreat from a battlefield once in a while. No! No fighter run from the battlefield. Do you know what fighters really do? Figthers will fight, despite their confidence, despite their fear, despite everything else. And I think, it will wrong be for us not to be ourselves. Even a lover will fight for what they love. Banzai!

About the music.. Right now I can’t think of a song to represent this silly determination. If later I find something, I’ll put it here.

I think I know a song that fits this well. Thanks for singing this, Michael.