My Little Panda

I know… This is not the first time I have written my story about you. I’ve made many attempts before. But none of it seems to tell the story as a whole.

I was not in the best state of mind. Even though I wanted to pour my heart into writing, there’s a part of me that just wanted to be emotionally detached, including in the process of writing. So, in the end, when I decided to write anyway, it was just full of rationalizing, reasoning, and justification. Because the mind was there, but the heart didn’t seem to be. At least, not all in. And the things I wrote turned out to be bland and unrefined.

A part of me doesn’t want you to ever find and read it. Because it seems like you have the tendency to misunderstand things that I say and do. But there’s also part of me that wishes that somehow you would read it. Wishing you could understand what I couldn’t even bear to tell.

Before I wrote this one, I decided to go through all the posts I’ve written before. Well… most of them. One of them is just way too embarrassing that I couldn’t even go pass the first sentence.

I ever tried to read all of my writing before, but I couldn’t stand to read the post that I wrote after we’re no longer getting along. It’s mortifying and would awaken the negative emotions that I felt during the turbulence.

So I thought if I could read them all without letting it define me or letting it define the way I see you, only then I’d be ready to write this story. If I could separate who I was back then and who I am as a person. If I could separate who you were back then and the you that I once knew. Only then… Because back then, the situation was complicated, and somewhere in between, it brought out the worst in me. It’s probably the same for you.

Actually, the story that I’ve written before, not all of them are that bad. Even one of them is quite precise and comprehensive. Unfortunately, not fully written. Maybe at a later time, I will add a few more chapters.

This time, the story would be a bit different. This is not just about the events. This is more than what the eyes can see. Maybe even more than what the mind can comprehend. But it’s something the heart can always feel. This is more than what the words can say. But I will try anyway.

I created this place because I don’t want to remember you as someone who broke my heart. But every time I saw you talk about someone else in an affectionate way, my heart was aching. Writing was my way to soothe the pain.

Here, I can create my own fairy tale, with you as the main character that I adore. Our story may never be a reality. But that’s fine. It’s an effective pain relief, and I needed that.

It’s not easy for me to get out of the illusion and write something real where things are not pretty. To get out of the world where I adore you, and that’s all that matter. To no longer mask the pain with some witty words. To admit that there’s a part of me that’s delicate enough that would sometimes need extra care just to be fine.

Of course, this is not a sob story. It is filled with a great portion of uplifting moments. After all, you’re the only person who can make me smile just by being around. Even when you’re not around, even just seeing you from afar could make my heart flutter.

But this is not a fairy tale. This is not a story where all is that great. And if you’re a fan of one, this may not be a story you would enjoy reading.

I don’t know how long this will take, but I will finish it this time.

I don’t know if you will ever read this. But if you do, I hope you do know how much you are loved.

For what it’s worth, here it is…

My Story About You.