My Little Panda

I want you to stay. Forever. And if it’s too much to ask. I want you to stay. Even just a little longer.

I love you. I love you so much it hurts to see you hurt. And it’s unbearable when I’m the one who causes it to you. It hurts so much that I just want to keep on running away from having to admit it. So I talked about everything else. Because it feels more resolvable. Because it’s more bearable.

Because if I’m the one who’s hurt, it’s not a big problem for me. I’m used to pain. I can take it. I can handle it. But if I’m the one who causes you trouble. If you’re the one, who got hurt because of me. How can I live with myself?

So I kept on rationalizing and reason with things. Altering my reality. Continuously replacing one thought with another, trying to find which one would be more bearable. I did it for years, and I didn’t even realize how I continuously self-sabotage myself. My reality had become so twisted that I believed in things that I knew might not be true.

This time, a part of me just continuously tries to do that. Because it had become a habit, and somehow it became my safe and comfort space. No matter how messy it actually is. But this time, the situation is different. I’m not the only one who got to bear pain, sadness, guilt, and regret. And no matter how a part of me just continuously try to to get back into the seemingly safe and comfort space again, I’m not gonna let this continue.

I will tell you everything. For years, it has been my deepest regret as well as my only consolation. I always felt regretful for not giving myself a chance to tell you it all. For not giving you a chance to respond to it all. For not giving myself a chance to see how things would have turn out. But I also found shelter in the thought that if you knew everything, maybe you wouldn’t have left. And I was always afraid to say it all because maybe it wouldn’t actually make a difference.

Maybe I say it all and you would leave anyway. Maybe I admit to everything and it would only make you feel grateful to make a decision to keep yourself away from me. Maybe you would find closure in it and I wouldn’t even hear back from you again. And I’d be left alone and have nothing left to console my grieving heart. Never even know how things actually are from your side.

I always feel like I know it all. And I always feel like something good could actually happen. But I’m always afraid. I’m afraid to allow myself to feel the hope that might never really be there. I’m afraid to let my hope soar just to have everything come crashing down once the truth is revealed. Because to let my heart be hopeful, I don’t even know if there’s a logical reason to let it happen. Because I don’t even know what you see in me. Because I don’t even know how could I be so lucky. So I always tend to assume that the worst would happen.

And if that’s what really would happen, it would make a whole lot of difference if you could just sit in front of me and tell me everything. I don’t need closure because I don’t even want there to ever be a close. But if that’s what you decide, if that’s what makes you happy, if it really has to come to an end, at the very least, I just wish things to end well. I just want to have one last meeting. One last talk. If that’s really the only thing I can get. And I’m afraid that, even that, I might not get.

So I gave myself my own ending. And found shelter in uncertainty. Without realizing how twisted my reality became. And if it wasn’t because of all that happened between us this time, I might never gonna be able to get to the bottom of it.

I don’t want you to ever leave. I don’t want us to ever have to go our separate ways. And I’m so afraid that you would make that decision anyway, no matter what I told you.

But I don’t want your emotion to continue to get the better side of you. I don’t want the thought of what happened to continue to consume you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do me wrong more than I did you wrong. It always take two to tango. We both contributed to lead the situation to the way it is now. And you were just reacting to the situation. It all started with me. Me and my peculiar way of doing things. My odd ways of loving. So let me clear it up for you.

I love you. More than anything else in this world. And even if this is gonna be the only thing I do that will still matter to you, then so be it. This is my gift to you. The least I can do after everything you’ve done for me.