I’m currently writing an email to you. I know the last one wasn’t right. So I’m writing you a new one. I’ve been doing it for the past week. It was going well at first, but then I rewrite and edit. Again and again. I don’t know.. I feel so nervous. And I’m afraid. I have so much to say. I have so much I want to share with you.
But I don’t want to talk too much. I want to tell it all to you. But I wish we could talk. I don’t want to sit you through all I have to say. I want us to have a conversation. I want to listen to you too. I want you to feel heard and understood too. But I don’t know if you want the same.
I want to talk about what really matter. But everything matter to me. I kept on talking and talking and talking that I thought I just use it as a shield because I was worried to send you the email. Afraid you will just push me back again.
Yeah, I’m afraid about it too. But I also want to tell you everything. But we’ve been through a lot and I want to share my perspective on it all. On one side, I get a feeling that you’re not gonna tell me anything unless you think I can understand. So I want to share my perspective to show you that I do. Anything you might say, you don’t have to worry about me unable to understand. Whatever you say, I probably already have it in mind all along. It’s always stormy in my head. Sometimes it’s manageable, sometimes when my emotion all over the place, it got wild.
But on the other side, I’m worried if telling you it all will make you feel exposed and uncomfortable, and scare you away. So, I’m not so sure how frank I could be. And the last conversation we had, it didn’t go well. So, I really want to be careful this time and not scare you away again.
I don’t want to talk too much, I’m afraid it will scare you away. But I also don’t want to talk too little, I’m afraid you can’t see what I really want to say. I guess at some point, my confusion and restlessness about how to write it right made me feel unsure of what to say.
Can we talk? Can we just talk? You can ask me anything. You can tell me anything. I will share anything with you. I will listen to everything you say. I will do anything you ask me to. I miss you so much. I just wish that we can talk. I wish for a lot of other things as well. I wanna be with you. For the rest of my life.
But people don’t usually make a move and just ask the person they love to spend forever with them. But I’m not them. And I have no doubt that you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Even if you don’t feel the same about me. Let’s just talk. Maybe you’ll change your mind.
Uuuhh… well.. why am I being kinda pushy? No, of course not. It’s always up to you. I will wait for you. I’ll be waiting.
Ah, why is it that the word could just flow when I just write it in here? Thinking about sending it to you is kinda scary. Why is it? It’s not like you’re a monster or something. You’re so cute and pretty. And angel-like. You’re the beauty in the beauty and the beast. Eerrr.. wait! Doesn’t it mean I’m the beast? Well, I will be the beast if it mean I can be with you. I’d be anything if I could be with you.
If I talk to you this way in the email, are you going to think that I’m being full of myself or intimidating or such? Why am I worry about how you would see me? Don’t you know that just like you, I’m also a lot of things? I can be a gentle and sensible soul. I can also be the fun kind of person. I can talk deeply. I can also talk some nonsense. I can be soft. And I can be tough. I can be anything. With you, I can be anything. Isn’t that why we’re a perfect match?
But no matter what I say, when I talk about you, I speak from the heart. No matter in what way I let the word out. That’s why I love you so much. With you, I can flourish.
We should talk. We should really talk. You will try to push away the desire to push me away this time, don’t you? We’ve come a long way, my love. We’ve come a long way. And you help me get here. You helped me keep going every step of the way. Please don’t leave me now. We would have made a wonderful couple. Don’t you think we should give us a chance? Together we can bloom. And flourish. We can make everlasting love.
You can say anything to me. Really. Anything. But don’t tell me not to say a thing to you. Don’t put me in such a difficult position. You know I care and respect you so much. And I will listen to everything you say. Even if I think I should say something otherwise, I will let a misunderstanding happen.
Seriously.. don’t do that again. I know why you did it. But please don’t do that again. Don’t exploit my feeling for you and ask me to do something we both know will cause us both sadness. Don’t you think we should communicate better?
I know I did wrong. I will try my best not to repeat it again. I try to change for the better. But please… let’s have a heart-to-heart conversation. Instead of a talk by two protective minds. Please… Please help me to make it happen.
Btw, I had a very beautiful dream last night. We finally sat in front of each other and had a nice talk. Aaahhh…. that was so beautiful! After every other dream where we could barely meet. Do you still remember the dream about us that I had before this one?
I went abroad with my parents and while I was there, we were texting. And you said you wanted to come over. I was so happy about it and I was preparing for your arrival. But there was an issue with the flight and you got to wait long in the airport.
I told you it was okay if you couldn’t come. I was worried about you. But you persisted. So I encouraged you and tried to keep your spirit up. And you finally arrived. I just need to see you downstairs. But then… I woke up! Aaaahhh…
But last night, we finally met. We talked. It was wonderful. Was it just a dream? Or can we make a dream come true?
If I just pour myself freely, no matter the way, can you see through it all? Can you see my truest intention? Can you feel what’s in my heart?
Please don’t be so hard in judging me. I already feel so nervous, scared, and worry. My emotion began to get the best of me and my insecurities and restlessness began to do the talking. But I would push it all away for a chance to talk to you. You are so precious to me. So, so precious. Can’t you see why I feel so nervous? If you were me, you’d be nervous talking to you too.