My Little Panda

Another sleepless night. Now, this has become a habit. What can I do to make the healthier lifestyle last a bit longer every time I try to live it? Yeah, just a healthier. I haven’t really got into a healthy lifestyle. Still a long way to go for that one. But like you once said. Nothing is impossible. So… wish me luck.

I don’t know how your days are going. But hopefully, it’s a lot better than mine. And the nights too. Hopefully, you have a better sleeping habit than me. You know… last night was another “I must have missed you” episode. But it’s different from every other episode.

Strangely, it wasn’t you who showed up in my dream last night. It was one of our mutual friends. The one who miraculously sent me a birthday greeting last year. For as long as I can remember, she never did that. Or maybe she did after I sent her birthday greeting before. Actually, I don’t remember if I ever sent her a birthday greeting. Uh… well… I can’t even recall her birthday. But somehow, she remembered mine. After so long since the last time we interacted. That’s kinda miraculous, don’t you think so? –Eeeerrr.. Okay, seemed like I made a mistake. It wasn’t a birthday greeting. But another kind of greeting. But it’s basically the same, isn’t it?

Or maybe I’m just in the illusion. Again. Just like many other times when something crossed my mind, but I just couldn’t explain to myself why exactly did I think that way. Sometimes, it really feels like I’m so delusional. I don’t even know what’s real and what’s not anymore.

Often, when I finally began to think something could be real, the reality that was nothing like I thought, hit me like a truck. Finding an answer that way isn’t really pleasant. Though, of course, if I have to deal with it, I will just deal with it.

You know what’s so crazy? My 10th answer. The wish. That was so unrealistic, wasn’t it? That was crazy and stupid. But if it could come true. We would live in a much better world. It applies to everyone. And somehow, it applies to us both as well.

Unfortunately, in real life, that’s very naive thinking. Because we all need to survive. Building a healthy connection and having an amicable interaction with people is great. But to survive, to feel safe, is a more basic need. Love and sense of belonging come after that. Someone cannot even think about the upper level on the hierarchy of needs when the lower ones haven’t been fulfilled.

And unfortunately, just like the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. So it appears that many would struggle to climb to the upper level of the pyramid. But I hope you’re always in the company of people who enable you to get to the top of the pyramid. And that you are and will always be living a happy and fulfilling life.

Btw, about the dream. Honestly, I don’t really remember. The one thing I remember is, when I saw that friend of ours, what came to my mind was you. Ah… why did the one who showed up wasn’t you but someone else? Was that your way of telling me you never want to see me again?

Btw, don’t let her know. That friend of ours, don’t let her know that I can’t recall a thing about what she was doing in my dream. No, wait! In fact, don’t let anyone know. Some of my friends… sometimes, they would get jealous of one another if I spent more time with one or some of them than the other. If they knew all the things about me that you get the privilege to… Oh… I can’t even imagine how much they would envy you.

But eh… what to do if it really happens? Something is inevitable. I guess the only thing they can do is learn to accept the fact. So, don’t worry about it. Just do what you feel like doing. After all, someday, I might be the one who let them know. We can’t hide the truth forever, can we? I just currently don’t feel comfortable enough to do it. Who knows that maybe, someday, I will.

Also, like I once said, you seem really good with people. Well… I guess you’re not only charming but also mesmerizing. Back in the day when I would come to you almost every Friday, there was a time when I came there with a friend.

But that is a story for another day. It’s around an hour before dawn, and I haven’t gotten any sleep since I woke up this morning. Well.. in short, the way she was behaving makes me question that maybe… you didn’t only cast a spell on me. Maybe you did it to everybody. How could someone more than a few people find difficult to deal with could look so benign around you? Ah, see… no one could resist your charm.

So… I guess… that would be all for now. I should have been on my bed since a few hours ago. But oh… I don’t regret staying up late this time. Sitting in front of my laptop, writing about you? Oh… I’d be sleeping so soundly like a baby after this. I can continue doing this, and I wouldn’t complain. Who cares about sleeping?

Hey, who needs some sleep when I have you in mind? Aaahhh.. okay, okay, I guess I do need some sleep. Otherwise, this will, in time, turn into another tough action go wrong. Unfortunately, I’m just a human being. I still need some rest.

I don’t know if this post makes sense. I tried to read from the start, and somehow it seems like the topic is continuously jumping from one another. But maybe that’s because my brain is already begging to take some break from the wakey world.

Maybe when I read it later, all the jumps would make perfect sense. But if it doesn’t, well… people say 3 a.m talk doesn’t usually make sense. Especially when the only person we talk to is ourselves. Even the mind can get chaotic during midday self-talk.

You know… sometimes I wonder, does the mind has a secret mission to make things feel tougher for us? Why does it sometimes feel like the mind is plotting against us to make life more miserable?

Maybe the mind is a minefield. We got to be very careful with every step we take when exploring our minds. Or maybe it’s like a maze. If we take the wrong path, we’d be lost in it. Or maybe there’s a magician hiding inside it. Hypnotizing us and drawing us into the illusion. Or maybe, this is just another side effect of the before-dawn talk.

But hey, people say late-night talk is the most open and honest. Uh… yeah… they forgot to add the word crazy somehow. Though it seems to be the most prominent characteristic. So maybe.. honesty is crazy? Okay… something is wrong with my brain. Even the analogy doesn’t seem to make sense at this point.

Aaahhh… I don’t want to stop. I want to continue talking about you. But I got to get some sleep. So, ciao for now. I’ll see you in my dream.