My Little Panda

Openness, honesty, how did it go so far? Oh my baby, how do you think it goes so far? Do you think I have successfully been as open and as honest as I said I wanted to be? Cause if you ask me, I don’t think I have… yet.

I mean, seriously, all those long, long stories. That was written to convey some messages. Why didn’t I just get into it, yeah? Yeah, what have I been doing?

I guess I was just nervous. Sometimes kinda insecure, sometimes the confidence flew away, sometimes I felt embarrassed, and sometimes I thought it would sound silly and crazy to say it all. But, as many excuses, as I can say, this time, I want to put it away.

Cause this one time, I want to ask for permission to speak frankly. And before I continue, I just wanna give some warning. Or maybe a head up that this time, I’m not gonna hold back my words. Or try to be delicate. Cause it might just gonna take me back to talk long, long, overly detailed, and elaborated things that, in the end, only become concerning.

Maybe even more concerning than the truth that sometimes I was worried would be too harsh or too much for you to know. Oh wait, this is like a de javu. Because I remember ever said something pretty much like this, “but I got to choose between taking care of your heart or telling things as it is”.

It’s not that I didn’t want to speak my mind freely and let you know what’s in it. But have you ever cared so much about someone that you can’t be careless about how your words and action make them feel?

And I supposed, maybe because I wasn’t in the best place in my life, a lot of things happened, and it made me feel insecure and more easily affected by things in life. What people said, what people did, and things that I saw and such. And I guess I was kinda projecting it to you. Worried about how my words and action would make you feel.

And also.. well.. uuuhh.. well… you know how much I love you. At this point, actually, it’d be kinda odd if you still can’t see that. Oh, my love, what else should I do to make you see that? Should I take my heart out of my chest so you can see whose name is carved all over it?

But well.. if I do that, I’d be taking my last breath. I still want to live this life where there’s you. Try to be there for you in any way I can. So, I suppose you can just let my heart beat where it is? The heart that beats just for you, let it just stay where it is, yea?

Okay, so you know I love you so much. And those times, I kinda thought that maybe I had a chance to be closer to you. To be.. with you. And I felt so nervous. I was afraid to mess that chance up. And I guess I kinda tried to maintain some image. And it was somewhere between not wanting you to think I’m not good enough for you and not wanting to come off too strong and scare you away.

And perhaps, at a later time, things got more complicated. Sometimes I got overwhelmed by everything. My reality was twisted because my emotions were all over the place. And, well.. things happened the way they happened.

But, things are not set in stone. History is what makes the future. But just because we would be happy about the good memories doesn’t mean we got to feel dejected about the bad ones. Maybe we can just take lessons from what happened and move forward for the better.

After all, life is a series of continuous learning, isn’t it? Nobody’s perfect. But we can always try to do something to make the future brighter than how we left things behind.

So… Let’s set a few things right. Many things, actually. But let’s start with the important ones. There were two major things that I wanted to get into the other day. So let us…

Before we start, I just want to make it clear, this is my perspective. Once again this is my perspective. Which has been evolving from time to time. And I’m aware that it could be true, it could be wrong.

And I’m not doing this to put words in your mouth. You, of course, have your side of the story that can only be confirmed by you. And I’m not doing this to make you feel bad, embarrassed, scared, or anything like that. This actually feels quite risky for me. Cause I could sound silly, or crazy, and I would just make a fool out of myself. But well, I’ll take that chance. So…

As I said, I seemed to be exhibiting a pattern. Where I might have self-sabotaging myself and my happiness when I was thinking about how different my attitude toward you was when you were there and when you were no longer there.

That I seemed to be more able to be affectionate, caring, and loving toward you when you seemed less likely to be affected by it. That I seemed to feel freer to express it. But when you were there, and it seemed like my feeling could come through, I began to be withholding.

And my reason for doing it was that I’ve been in a position where the feeling of closeness to some people made me become more vulnerable to their actions and words.

I’m not normally the sensitive kind of person. I’m pretty much the opposite. I don’t usually easily get upset, hurt, or sad over what someone says or does, even when it’s a careless or mean action. I don’t really concern myself with that.

I mean, yeah, of course, I’m feeling things. That’s part of being human. But it’s usually easy for me to just shake the feeling. Because I would see it more as the way other people treat me, showing more of who they are than who I am.

I was in a position where I found it harder to get rid of unpleasant emotions and thought to myself, “if only they are not who they are to me, if it’s someone else who did it to me, I wouldn’t have been hurt by it, I wouldn’t have been upset. I wouldn’t even care.”

Well… It just feels different when careless action is done by our closest people. I guess… it’s just, they’re the people I least expected to defend myself from. It’s not the action that hurts. I don’t know.. maybe the awakening moment that, “oh, it’s only that much I mean to them that they can do that to me?”.

So every time I saw that, you seemed excited about me. When it seemed like I was important to you, it kinda made me feel concerned for you. I just don’t want you to get hurt the way I did by people who are important to me.

And though on one side, I felt like I might be worrying too much. Because I’m not that kind of person. I’m not the kind who is careless about how my action would impact others. I always try to be careful as to not hurt or trouble other people with what I do and say.

But there can be times when I’m unaware of how certain words or actions of mine impact you. And unfortunately, any action, though it’s not done with bad intentions or out of carelessness, doesn’t mean when another person feels bad about it, their emotion is not valid.

And though I always try to take a lesson from what happened, maybe there’s still much about love and relationship that I’m yet to be aware of. Well… I’ve barely ever been in a relationship. What do I know about it?

And we’re not in a relationship. So it concerns me to let you see me as someone important to you. I mean, it’s not that I don’t like it. Of course, I like feeling cherished. But when you seemed to be driven by your emotion, it just made me feel worried about expressing myself freely. Hmmm… how do I explain it? It’s kinda tough to explain.

It’s just we’re not in a relationship. We didn’t communicate intensely. I was just worried the absence of communication would make you wonder how I actually feel about you, where you actually stood with me, and if you would feel lost in it, wondering what was actually happening.

On the other hand, while it didn’t seem like it would affect you, I would express myself freely again. Because there seemed to be no risk of making you wonder, making you feel lost, making you sad and hurt. Because probably you didn’t even care about things I did. I only risk making a fool out of myself.

That’s why when you were in a relationship when you ignored me, I felt freer to be caring, loving, and affectionate to you. I felt freer to express my feelings to you freely. And it’s not because I was messing with your feelings. It’s because I want to make you feel cared for without that care troubling you.

When you were in a relationship, it didn’t really feel scary for me to do that. Because I thought it was someone else who had that power over you. To affect you in many ways, strongly and deeply. In the meantime, what I did could be just an additional thing to make you feel even more cared for. Something that can always remind you how lovable and loved you are.

Uuuuhh… I don’t know if my explanation makes sense. Well.. in short, I’ve been hurt by people who have the power to affect me strongly and deeply. And it makes me afraid to have that power over you.

Because I don’t want you to get hurt, especially by me. So I guess it makes me shy away from being in the position where I have that power over you. And my behavior of being withholding when you seem to be affected and expressive when you no longer, is an embodiment of it.

And back then, I didn’t realize it could make you feel played. In my head, I thought I was doing something good. Caring for you. Because… well.. because you were in a relationship. And though sometimes I kinda felt you feel something toward me too, I just didn’t want to give myself hope that wasn’t there. So I always tried to be realistic and kept telling myself it all was just in my head.

But this time, the situation is different. Well, I don’t know for sure. But at least, the way I see it, it is. And when I was about to do that again the other day, I realized that it shouldn’t be as it was. That I should break the pattern.

And to think about it made me feel devastated. Realizing things that I have done and caused you without being aware of it. And now that I’m aware and ready to do that, you’re no longer there. I just wish that there was something I could do to make things right for you again.

Even if, even if right now, you might already have a change of heart. Or you no longer think it’s a good idea to be closer to me. Just.. let me be there for you. Do something to make you feel better.

Let’s just do something fun, go somewhere nice, and create some good memories, replacing the bad ones. Let’s do something to make you smile again. Because other than you look so cute when you smile, I like it when your heart feels lighter.

Or if you don’t want to do anything, if you just wanna stay at home, I can be around. And you don’t have to worry about how you should treat me, how you should behave, how I feel about it, or anything like that.

You can just do your things. And I will do mine. I will just stay around so you wouldn’t feel alone. Or if you wanna talk things out and get some emotional support. Or if you wanna do anything… Just anything. I would like it if I could be there for you and make you feel better.

And the thought that maybe there’s nothing I could do. Cause whatever I do might only make you feel more troubled. It just makes me feel so helpless. I felt so unsure about what to do.

But let’s not talk about my feeling of uncertainty. Let’s go back a little to that pattern of mine. Well.. yeah, I know. It’s kinda silly, isn’t it? Well… that’s what my mind produces as a result of my experience in life.

And I just let it sit there for so long. Had its impact on self-sabotaging myself and my happiness. Until I realized I might not be the only one who got to bear its consequences. And there you go, becoming my saviour once again.

So I guess it’s true. You’re some kind of superhero in your spare time. Or a character from a fantasy world. Are you sure you don’t need a sidekick? I can be anything you want. Anything you need me to.

Actually, there’s another reason for what happened back then. But it’s complicated. I’m not sure how to explain it. And it’s not mushy like the precious one. It’s quite different. I guess I’ll talk about it some other time.

So, for the sake of the case study, there should be an ideal situation of what should have happened, isn’t it? And though this world is not exactly a place for ideal, it doesn’t mean it’s wrong to think about it.

Well… I think, ideally, what should have happened was, if I was worried about how my expression of love, care, and affection affect you while we’re not together. If I find it to be better to express it all in the situation of either you were not affected by it, or you’re affected by it but not having to wonder where you actually stand with me, then I should try to make a move or welcome you if you try to come closer.

Apart from how it goes, it’s better to figure out the truth, isn’t it? If it turns out you don’t feel the same, and my heart’s gonna be broken, then let it be broken. It’s only about time until I put it all together again. But at least when there’s a certainty, none of us have to wonder again.

The thing is, it’s not easy for me to let someone in. It’s not the past that’s haunting me, it’s the future that worries me. The past is in the past. Whatever happened there should stay there. Giving it too much power over our present wouldn’t do any good anyway.

But it concerns me how you can easily walk away when things get tough. And it made me feel unsafe to give my heart to you because.. okay, of course, we all want to live a good, comfortable, and problem-free life.

But we never know for sure what will happen in life. Sometimes even if we try our best to make things go well, bad things can happen. And if every time things get tough, you no longer want to be there, I couldn’t really afford to think that in the future, it would be different.

It’s not the fact that you leave. You could have left for a good, reasonable reason. But you didn’t even tell me why. Didn’t give me a chance to explain things from my side. Cause maybe it’s just a misunderstanding. You just made a decision on your own.

And you left me wondering what was actually the reason. Was it because I did something you didn’t appreciate? Or was it just because you just didn’t think I was good enough for you? And that lack of clarity of where the problem really lies made me feel that no matter what I do, at some point you will just leave again.

And that’s fine. You don’t have to always stay. If we’re together, I will always try my best to be the best lover for you. But whether or not you want to stay forever. It’s your decision. I can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do, and I’m not going to. You’re no longer happy being with me, you’d be happier somewhere else, I can only wish you the best and continue to love you in another possible way there is.

I just don’t want to get the wrong impression. Thinking you would still be there, but then you just left without even letting me know why. So whenever I thought about it, I would think maybe the way we see each other is not the same. Maybe I don’t mean to you what you mean to me.

So I just tried to accept it early and not give myself hope that wasn’t meant to be there. Maybe you just wanna see how it goes. And if it doesn’t work out, you will move on and find another.

Well, for me, it’s not like that. I wouldn’t want to let you in in the first place if I didn’t have every intention of always keeping you around. Even if things get rough and the path gets rocky in the future, all I want to do is find a way to sort it out and make things work between us.

I’m not gonna let you be a prisoner in our togetherness, I’m not gonna let love become a shackle for you. If it no longer makes you happy, I will set you free. I just don’t want to get into something under a false impression. If you’re not gonna be there forever, if you don’t think I’m that worthy for you to go through all kinds of things with, I just want to know about it beforehand.

I was wondering to myself,

Well.. maybe I was just over-worry. But you know who you are, don’t you? You know the kind of person you are, don’t you? You know, when you turn on your charm, it’s… lethal.

I mean, it can soften the hardest heart, turn bitterness into joy, and make someone who probably doesn’t mean that much to you think you want to spend forever with them. Well.. maybe it’s just because they love you so much and you bring joy to every corner of their life. Maybe it’s because I love you so much, and you bring joy to every corner of my life.

But seriously, you know who you are, don’t you? The way you care about someone is not like any other. You can make someone feel like their the most special person on earth no matter who they are. So, how can someone who feels that way because of you not get carried away by their feeling for you and wish they could spend forever with you? It’s only logical.

Aaaahh…. it makes me happy every time I talk about you this way. See.. your magic is happening right now. Bringing joy to my soul even by just the thought of you.

Oh, my baby, no matter what happens between us. Whether we can be or cannot be. Don’t you ever forget how very special you are. Cause no matter what, you are forever someone I treasure.

You can warm the coldest heart, mend a broken heart, and heal a wounded soul. Where did you learn magic as powerful as they are? You can’t be just a mere human being. Where did you hide your wings? No, no you’re not just an angel. You’re something more. Isn’t it a bit unfair for everyone else that there’s a person like you in this world? God surely spent a little more time on you.

So… aah.. do I have to go back in continuing talking about the situation? Can’t we just try to talk about it together and come to a solution? Well… togetherness, maybe? Or I can just be there for you anytime you want. Doesn’t have to be together. I’ll just be around. Okay.. this is kinda pushy.. but it’s up to you. If you want, I’m always here for you. Okay.. this is kinda… desperate.. then I’ll just sing it through a song once again..

If you ever wanna fall in love

If you ever wanna bet on us

If you ever wanna be my one

I’ll be waiting

If you ever want one more night

If you ever wanna make things right

If you ever wanna change your mind

I’ll be waiting

I’ll be waiting

Take my hand. This time it will be different. It’s not gonna be as it was. We’re not gonna go back to the cycle we used to. I’ll be here and always here. I’ll be there and always there. I’m not gonna be withholding anymore. But you, too, please don’t keep running away.

I will listen to everything you say. I will do anything you ask me to. But can you not make me feel unsafe of giving my heart to you? Cause when you do that, it makes me feel like I’m someone you can just walk away when things get hard, as if I never really matter to you.

But maybe that’s what life makes us become. Just like me, who reluctantly gave my heart until I felt really safe, you would take it back the moment you no longer feel safe.

Maybe while the love and relationship that I witnessed and experienced make it hard for me to just try to enter it, the love and relationship you experienced make it hard for you to try to stay in it.

Cause I only know one, and it was a total wreck. While you, maybe you experienced many and none work out that well. And maybe, maybe, that feeling of being in that position in the past is not that easy to be expelled. And any triggering attitude toward this makes us feel even more worried about trying to make things work. We all need the feeling of safety, don’t we?

It’s just.. you mean so much to me. And I don’t ever want to do anything that could make you unhappy. And it breaks my heart if when I try to do something for you, it seems to impact you negatively.

And it’s okay. I have the heart of the warrior. Don’t worry about me. Every time my heart got broken, I will just mend it again. You know kintsugi? Don’t worry about how things are for me. I have my magic too.

But it’s hard for me when things are hard for you. What should I do so I wouldn’t keep making you feel troubled? I would like it if you let me know what you expect and how you like to be treated.

Something makes you feel uneasy about letting me get closer to you. I know that. I just don’t know for sure what that is. I think I do. But I could be wrong. And I don’t want to keep on talking and just sit you through all the things I have to say.

I want to listen to you too. I want you to feel heard and understood. I want you to feel safe telling me things. What can I do to make it easy for you to do that?